Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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