why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
