If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
