he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
