i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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