Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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