my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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