She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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