but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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