I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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