I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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