he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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