my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
