If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
