How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
