I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
