I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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