I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
