can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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