he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
