your room smells of hookers.
And success
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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