she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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