Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
