I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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