I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
