All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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