you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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