Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Vodka?
Forever.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize