not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
