I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
