My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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