Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
