I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
worst night to have a conscience
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
