all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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