three words: i give head
three words: not that well
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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