Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
