you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
