i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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