alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
