i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
