I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
