my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
