Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
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So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
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Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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