You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
