Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
