You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I have so many feelings about this burrito
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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