I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
