im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
