Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
