I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
