Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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