It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
