for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
