hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
