So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
