god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
