I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I did not marry a roomba.
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