my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
No subtext here. People are naked.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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