someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
