im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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