my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.