You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.