i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.