Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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