I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
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Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
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She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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