Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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