the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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