im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
