On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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