I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
