haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
