Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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