I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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